I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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