Is it normal to miss your booty call?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Randomize
