Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
