remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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