his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
