Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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