he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
