Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
