How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
My vagina just clenched in fear
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
