Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
