Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
