It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
