i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm passing your future prison.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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