I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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