the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
People in love make me want to vomit
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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