aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
