My first STD was from a foam party
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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