True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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