I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
im holly from the hills drunk
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
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they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
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I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.