sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.