i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
All the doctor said was why
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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