too bad you live with your parents still
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
zippers are such a cool invention
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
