I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
