went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.