I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
