I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
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he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
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How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"