the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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