Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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