Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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