I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
