I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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