my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
