Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We need a shit load of segways right now
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
