Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
