if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
