The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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