I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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