Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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