textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
