My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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