Heybabeimwearingurpanties
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
