Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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