Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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