theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
