4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
