Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
My life is pants optional.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize