I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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