i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
