in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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