he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm too high and old for this...
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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