So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
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