I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
