My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
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