My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
