I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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