Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
