remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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