I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
