I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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