she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Be still, my beating vagina.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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