I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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